I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
