So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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