someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
