i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
