I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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