My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
