I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
