Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
