did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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