That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
