I looked at my own cervix.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
