Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
