Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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