Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
