There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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