I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
