when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
