I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
