I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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