I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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