I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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