i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
