Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
