omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
