I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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