You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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