I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
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I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize