omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
