I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
