Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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