if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
