they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
