im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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