I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
