I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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