I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
no you cant smoke seaweed
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
