Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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