remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
