i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
