So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
