u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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