I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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