Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
