someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
