I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
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Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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