Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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