I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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