I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My feet surprised me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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