So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
false alarm, still single
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
