Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
