Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
