there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I have post one night stand depression
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
