Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
